Back from the Nursing Home - mum is deteriorating fast.
She no longer walks nor wants to.
She eats very little and is just skin and bone.
She did not recognise me today - at all.
Although I think she was trying to - it just didnt happen.
Thats ok - I knew it would get to that!
She has had her false teeth removed ( for her own safety I guess ) so all food is now mush.
She drinks from a kiddy cup.
She wears a nappy and really does not talk except for half sentences.
Today she was quite vital and awake but mostly she sleeps slumoed over in her wheelchair.
I dont think she can even realise that the sun is shining outside the big glass doors in the room where she sits with the others.
The angels sing and call them all - you can see them listening and waiting....
I am looking at the shell of a former lively competent person who was my mother.
I held her hand and stroked her hair and felt that there was no real need to talk.
The vacancy in the eyes was the hardest to take - just no longer being there...being somewhere in between..
Surrounded by strangers and strange things...being pumped full of medication and mushy potatoes and soup.
Exisiting in a bubble. Is there really a lesson in all of this?
For me a visit "there" is always somewhat life changing - you come back skewed - like you have been knocked off your axis.
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I believe just the feeling in her soul and the comfort it gives regardless of conscious recognition as you hold her hand makes it worth the trip there to see her. Sending love, Renata. x♥x
ReplyDeleteTodd's grandmother is in the same position. She used to dote on him, she was his first piano teacher and loved so much to hear him play. Now I doubt that she would even register what music is. For an incredibly talented and gifted woman who always lived life to the full it seems like such a waste. I can't exactly empathise with your position as my own mother is still healthy but I can sympathise and appreciate just how harrowing and heartbreaking mental degeneration is to watch for those left behind. Is there a lesson? Well who knows, I guess all we can do is have faith that the universe is turning the way it knows best. I hope that things become easier for you.
ReplyDeleteMy darling I am so sorry you have to go thought this , the last stages of dementia are hard to bare. I am sure your mum knows you are there , they seem to know the familiar although it is hard to believe. But there is something there they know whether it is the sound of your voice or your face there is something that reminds them they can not communicate this. I can not say what lesson this is in all this , as we well know over the past months things happen and we can not see any lesson. Just know you have done the best you could over the past years for her , you have seen she has had good care.This is a hard road my darling my heart goes out to you. My thoughts are with you ... xxxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteI forgot to sign the above .... vicki xxxxxx
ReplyDeletethank you girls...as a woman, a mother, a wife and a daughter I know that you ALL feel the guilt and burdon on doing (and not doing) enough ....it continues to always be a juggling act as we try to work out who or what is more important.This is the last stage of mums great adventure and I have to leave her to it..in her mind she may be revisiting the past and reliving what little of her memories she has left...it is a continual reminder to live life to the fullest and appreciate good health and a stable state of mind for at any moment in time it can all be taken away......blessings to you all
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