Happy Fathers Day

I have been fatherless for four years now - I guess at 52, dad no longer played a major role in my life - I did more for him in his last years. That was ok.
I felt it my duty.
But it was very hard to be connected. Dad was always a person to keep his distance.
What did I want from a dad?
Someone who encouraged me, wanted to spend time with me, saw me as a valuable person who had her own opinions worth hearing and discussing.
I wanted a dad who I felt loved me and who supported me.
What I got was somewhat different.
I got a displaced and damaged soul.
Someone who had been removed from family, friends and his homeland.
A man who was forced to leave everything and married a woman who he really did not like.
I got a man who had suffered terrible injuries during the war that left him in daily pain. A man who was set in his ways and would not risk anything for anyone.
A man who never changed. I got a dad that worked afternoon shift at a local factory ( 2pm to 11pm ) so I really only ever saw him on weekends.
Weekends were taken up with doing adult stuff that my mother wanted to do with no consideration to what I wanted - I just tagged along - quietly.
Oh, also going to church - we did a lot of church.
Dad was either quiet or shouting...I dont remember in between. I know there were some moments of closeness - I have photos - but that stopped when I got to about 8 or 9 years old.I rememebr the back of his hand occassionally when I back chatted.
When we moved to Rutherford the distance grew. Then by High School there was a grand canyon between us - he saw me as a money pit - I needed money for school, excursions, books and clothes. My life was spent wearing St Vinnies second hand clothes. Mum worked for about 6 months of her life. That was it. It was all too much and she would never work again except as a volunteer within her community which she did ever single moment that she had available.
Dad was not a social person but he was dragged along to every event my mother decided needed to be in our lives. She wanted fun - dad wanted peace, quiet and solitude.
Where did I fit in?
I didnt.
I was a bit of a mistake...oops!!!

But dad worked hard, even though he hated it.
He provided for us and if I was lucky I got to share some time, in a round about way with both mum and dad.
Dad, you were a grumpy bastard and I remember asking you for help on more than one occassion to have you laugh in my face - that was soul destroying.
But you were my dad and every child wants their dad to love them - so did I.
I was there holding your hand when you passed.
I was there for you - that it the least that I felt I should have done.
Do I miss you?
Not really - there was no realtionship to miss.
But thats ok. I am just stating the facts. this is how it was - and on Fathers Day I remember.
But I dont have any issues anymore - I am screwed in some ways but arent we all.
Because of you - I am here now and have opportunities to make the most of what I can.
That is what I am eternally grateful for - if I stuff it up now...its my fault. Not yours.
I will see you again someday.
Till then, Happy Fathers Day!I remember you!